A hard pill to swallow

So in my sweaty delusional state last night I started reflecting back on all the challenges I have been through in my life and it hit me hard. Up until I was diagnosed with Leukemia I have never failed at anything I set my mind to except my last AF Fitness test in February. I gave that test everything I had and my body said no can do. I missed passing it by 10 seconds. This failure was a hard pill to swallow, not even prior to my diagnosis when my blood counts were silently dropping at an alarming rate did I fail the fitness test. I believe several of my 445th AES colleagues can remember that summer in 2008 when we had to take that PT test back to back during block training. That was rough, I had barely passed that test and I literally felt like I was going to die, and looking back I am lucky I didn’t. The Leukemia was already taking over my body, but I blamed it on being overweight and smoking at the time. So you may wonder where I am going with this. On January 1, 2012 I weighed 189 pounds, yep 189 pounds. Holy shit, I had really let myself go. I saw pictures of myself at my sister’s wedding last fall and I was mortified by how bad I looked. Ever since I went into remission in December 2009 felt like I had something to prove and I had more time to get it done, how much who knows. My doc is still telling me I have a 50-60% chance of 3-5 year survivability. Well, I am at the year 3 mark of that prognosis and I am not buying it, last time I checked there is no expiration date stamped on the bottom of my foot. It amazes me that everyone thought I would slow down and enjoy life, because I had been given a second chance. Well anyone who truly knows me should know better, hello people; I am a work-a-holic. I have been doing the exact opposite in case you have not noticed. Unfortunately and to my detriment, I had been living on fast food and running from my job at ODH or at Wright Patterson AFB, from there to my warehouse, from there to pick up take out for the family because well I don’t cook and I really don’t have time to anyways, and once at home I would end up on the couch with the laptop working until 10-11 sometimes 12 every night only to get up at 4:30am the next day to do it again. Needless to say starting my own company has been the second biggest challenge of my life but it has also been the most rewarding. Realistically it has also been the most detrimental to my health because this has been my daily ritual for the past 15 months. So let me preface this by saying more than likely I am always going to be a work-a-holic. I am just wired that way and most of the time I really do enjoy working. Over the years my work ethic if anything has just gotten stronger so that is not going to change. The only thing I have never put a lot of effort into is myself, because, like most people we are the easiest thing to ignore. So I made a decision back in December that I was not going to renew my waiver that made me exempt from taking the fitness test. Deep down inside I knew that enough time had passed and that I should be able to pass the test. It became an integrity issue for me, I was watching many of my colleagues struggle with the fitness test and I began to feel guilty about having a waiver. So I started working out a little here and there and watching what I was eating, but it was literally one bite at a time as it went into my mouth and still was not all that healthy. In January I started seasoning training at the base and it I have to say it was much easier to drink the cool-aide, that is, to make life style changes. I have to say the fitness lifestyle works great when I am on orders with all the base resources at my disposal and dedicated time to work out. I have been able to attended healthy eating classes and stress management with allotted time just for working out, with state of the art work out facilities. This morning I got on the scale and I weigh 169 pounds. I have lost 20 pounds in 6 months. Now although that is not a lot of weight loss it is a very healthy weight loss. I have gained quite a bit of muscle in place of my fat, and even though I still have a lot to lose, I don’t feel bad about it not losing more. In hindsight considering I was bed bound most of the time for almost a year and on steroids for over 3 years, I knew this is going to take some serious time so I am ok with that. Honestly, I think I will pass on Sunday, god knows I am going to give it everything I got. If I do pass it may be with a 75 and I let me say I will be proud as hell of a 75 score. Some of you may be wondering where am going with this rant? Well if for some reason I don’t pass it this Sunday the important thing is I am not a piece of shit and neither is anyone else who does not get an outstanding score on their fitness test or that is struggling just to pass it. The fitness test is just one Air Force Standard and as such must be met they have increased since I came in but it is what it is. Because of this, I made a commitment to myself that if I cannot pass my fitness test on Sunday even though it will only be my second failure, it is my time to go. No matter what I am still the same SNCO I have always been, if not better. I am at a cross roads where will not allow everything that I have worked so hard for in my Air Force career nor all the sacrifices my family has made with me being away from them to be for nothing i.e by getting my first letter of counseling or a letter of reprimand or referral EPR that is rated at a 3 or a 4 which is a career buster because I don’t meet the standard or fit a certain image. As a training manger I sit at a desk and I won’t be deploying anymore anyway. It is a support position it is not flying and in my unit everyone knows it is all about flying, I should know I used to be a flyer. The reality is the workout scheduled is not so realistic when I go back out into the civilian sector to a fulltime job 7:00AM-3:30PM, running my company 4:30PM-10:00PM plus 3 kids still at home. You see there is not a whole lot of time for fitness in there but I will try the best I can to maintain something. I have had the optimal conditions for the past 5 months to make it happen so there you have it, my Air Force career is riding on this. I’ll let you know how it goes.